allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
