OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
