..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Randomize
