Barsexuality is the new black.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
