I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
