So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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