So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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