im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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