i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
