I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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