I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
