With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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