And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
