I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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