Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
