Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
