Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Hippo gnu deer
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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