soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
