Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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