I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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