There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I will be naked everywhere
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
