1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
