the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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