the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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