I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
