Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
