i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
