Do you still have your period?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
