Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
