this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
