i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
