I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
