my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize