i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
