hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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