if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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