Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
