That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just sent this text using only my big toe
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
