Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Randomize
