I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
