dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
