So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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