My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
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