I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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