i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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