hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
