I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
