I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize