Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
