The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize