Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
