so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
