Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
