hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
