Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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