Moan for me like Helen Keller
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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